the house of miss birdie

Lately, I've been out of it. Little or no social networking, which is bad considering the fact that I need to do it to stay "in the loop". I even stopping talking to people because I didn't want my conversations to be negative. Why infect other people with what was plaguing me? I was now hiding from the world. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO ME? The craziest part of it all is, the issues weren't mine. I had let others' problems and issues consume my time and energy so much that I began to suffocate. When I went to see the doctor on a routine visit, she told me that I have high blood pressure. WHAT?!?! I've never had any problems like this and the stress from other people's stress was now making me sick. There was so much negativity around me, it had left me stagnant and constantly dragging my feet. I was paralyzed. I was constantly helping someone else. Being there for other people and not getting anything I needed to get done, done. Then, when it was ti...

I've never claimed to have all of the answers, just some of them. In my thirty-something plus years, I have accumulated enough scars and baggage to last the next ice age. But I'm moving on from all of it, letting it all go and beginning a new, more positive way of living and thinking. I always have advice for friends, "Just keep thinking positive." "Let it go." Some phrases I'm notorious for.  But something that happened this weekend that brought up some painful things that I thought I was over and by my reaction, I clearly wasn't.  I even demanded an apology from this person. In response, he said, "Why don't just let it go?" Hmm. I could have punched him in the face for that very statement. Too proud at the moment to admit it, I was ashamed. No doubt about it, he was wrong in the past and the transgressions he committed against me and my family had piled up and the consequences still affect my son and I till this very moment. But wh...

Last night, I had a dream. I was going down an escalator and when I got to the bottom, there was my dad, now deceased, looking vibrant and healthy. In true Buzz fashion, he asks me for a dollar. I smile and give it to him. He kisses me on the cheek, tells me he loves me and that he's proud of me. Then he says, "You don't belong here, go back up." I go up the escalator and that was it. The end. I've never read into dreams before but I was curious. So I Googled "Escalators up/down in dreams", "Deceased parents in dreams", "Handing over money in dreams".  To make a long story short, here's what I came up with: Down escalator - wallowing in emotions, Parent- seeking validation, money equals love and the up escalator - moving forward towards your goal. The answers made me think about my journey thus far. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. I've been under pressure to finish books. Promote the books. Stay creati...

I couldn’t sleep last night. All I could think about was if I had the chance to leave my son behind to “find myself”, could I? There has been a huge debate following a popular blog called, “Why I left my children.” Let me first say, I was divided on the blog. A part of me said, “When you become a mother, all of your wants go out the window. Being a mother is supposed to be one of the most rewarding and unselfish jobs in the world. It’s no longer about you. It’s all about what your kids need.” But the other part of me understood that she needed to distance herself in order to be a better mom, if that makes sense. Women tend to be people pleasers and can be persuaded to do things, even when it’s against themselves, in her case to get pregnant and have kids. At least she knew, however late, the role she really wanted to play was from a distance to be a better mother than if she forced herself to stay. If you've seen the message boards of her blog, whew! The feedback was vi...

I am a mother of a six year-old boy and 10 year-old niece. Anyone raising kids as a single parent knows, you do what you can. Make cuts here, splurge there (splurges are almost always for the kids) but you do it. You do it all. There’s no choice. As they grow, you pass on the hallmark values. You tell your kids that nothing is impossible and that they could do anything that they put their little hearts and minds to. When it’s your turn to do your part in actually setting the example and you don’t even believe the hype. I personally have written over 10 books and I am absolutely proud of all that I’ve done. But what have I done? There’s nothing other than the books that sit on the shelf collecting dust, that could show for what I’ve done. Money? We are still making cuts and calculating splurges. What is the message that I’m sending these kids? “Mommy doesn’t know her value.” “Mommy is a little lost.” “Mommy doesn’t believe in herself.” All I keep thinking is, “DAMN, Mommy is a hyp...

Sometimes, no matter how good you are, you stand on the big stage and freeze. No one can ever explain why. Fear of failure, fear of success or just plain fear. Yet, we practice our lines and prepare feverishly to make sure that we have it all right. Then when we get up there, in front of hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions, we fall flat. How do we do this? Why?  Me? I think too much. I put too much pressure on myself. I prepare too hard to lose it. But I do. I just finished the 3rd book in my children's book series. Although it's not my first book series (I also have the "Talk to Me" Communication Series) In all of my accomplishments, I'm proud and happy. But I'm also afraid and lost. All i keep asking myself is: Now what?  I have to realize that I'm not as good as i think i am, I'm waaaay better. I need to let the world know that. Now that I have prepared for the role of a lifetime, I will step out onstage and give them my best. The world dese...

Early this month, I took my son to see Mo Willems, the multi-talented, multi-award winning children's book writer and illustrator at Books of Wonder in NYC. My now ex-boyfriend accompanied me at the time (for moral support, AKA my sanity from the hectic ness of the screaming kids.) Beyond being overtired from constantly overexerting myself, I had a banging headache that being at a children's book signing would just make worse. But there I was. It had meant so much to Bam that we went as he is a fan of EVERYTHING Mo Willems writes, especially the Elephant and Piggie books. So there he is. mo Willems. The master at work. "No flash photography, please." (to the extra hard headed parents) He becomes animated as he reads the book, "We Are in a Book!" the latest in Elephant and Piggie books. My son, who was first in line, had his Knuffle Bunny (another book series he wrote) ears on, sitting in the front row. Eating it all up. My boyfriend, looks at me, gives ...