Skip to main content

HYPOCRITE!!!!

By
I am a mother of a six year-old boy and 10 year-old niece. Anyone raising kids as a single parent knows, you do what you can. Make cuts here, splurge there (splurges are almost always for the kids) but you do it. You do it all. There’s no choice. As they grow, you pass on the hallmark values. You tell your kids that nothing is impossible and that they could do anything that they put their little hearts and minds to.

When it’s your turn to do your part in actually setting the example and you don’t even believe the hype. I personally have written over 10 books and I am absolutely proud of all that I’ve done. But what have I done? There’s nothing other than the books that sit on the shelf collecting dust, that could show for what I’ve done. Money? We are still making cuts and calculating splurges. What is the message that I’m sending these kids?

“Mommy doesn’t know her value.” “Mommy is a little lost.” “Mommy doesn’t believe in herself.” All I keep thinking is, “DAMN, Mommy is a hypocrite!!”
Hypocrites tell people things they don’t believe themselves. All I keep thinking is: “Why don’t I believe in myself? Why don’t I believe I’m worth the risk? Why don’t I believe that I can make it? What message am I really sending these kids?”

I don’t want the kids to see me struggle to make my dream come true, but that’s what they see. Now I think, “Is it my fault that we’re struggling?” Sure, there’s been times when they’ve seen me make a nice chunk when I’ve done an extensive editing or ghostwriting project. That’s when we go to Disney World and they get great toys. Then there’s the “drought” times that Mommy has to say no. No trips and no new toys. Now is the time for me not to just rest on my editing for money, but to take the leap in believing in my books.

I’m not saying that I would immediately strike it rich when the world loves my books. I’m just asking myself, “Am I living up to my full potential? Am I doing my best?” I just came to the realization that I’m not. There is no reason that the good times can’t continue. No reason that the kids have to worry about money. That’s not their job. That’s my job. I want what’s best for them so now that it is the time for them to see me shine and pave a way for them. Not being afraid. Not being a hypocrite.

Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

Brushes With Greatness

By
Last night, I had a dream. I was going down an escalator and when I got to the bottom, there was my dad, now deceased, looking vibrant and healthy. In true Buzz fashion, he asks me for a dollar. I smile and give it to him. He kisses me on the cheek, tells me he loves me and that he's proud of me. Then he says, "You don't belong here, go back up." I go up the escalator and that was it. The end. I've never read into dreams before but I was curious. So I Googled "Escalators up/down in dreams", "Deceased parents in dreams", "Handing over money in dreams".  To make a long story short, here's what I came up with: Down escalator - wallowing in emotions, Parent- seeking validation, money equals love and the up escalator - moving forward towards your goal. The answers made me think about my journey thus far. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. I've been under pressure to finish books. Promote the books. Stay creati...
Read more

Stage Fright

By
Sometimes, no matter how good you are, you stand on the big stage and freeze. No one can ever explain why. Fear of failure, fear of success or just plain fear. Yet, we practice our lines and prepare feverishly to make sure that we have it all right. Then when we get up there, in front of hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions, we fall flat. How do we do this? Why?  Me? I think too much. I put too much pressure on myself. I prepare too hard to lose it. But I do. I just finished the 3rd book in my children's book series. Although it's not my first book series (I also have the "Talk to Me" Communication Series) In all of my accomplishments, I'm proud and happy. But I'm also afraid and lost. All i keep asking myself is: Now what?  I have to realize that I'm not as good as i think i am, I'm waaaay better. I need to let the world know that. Now that I have prepared for the role of a lifetime, I will step out onstage and give them my best. The world dese...
Read more

The Inclusion Rider and Black Women

By
Last night, I cried proud tears when Frances McDormand stood up with pride amongst women in Hollywood and told the seated men to think of and include these women when they negotiate their contracts. I was so happy. I knew that she included me. Then I saw black women on twitter say, “Well how does Inclusion Riders help other black women?” I felt a punch in the gut.  We saw firsthand what inclusion rider was when Jessica Chastain did it for Octavia Spencer. They were negotiating with the studio to make their own movie. Because Jessica stood with Octavia, Octavia got 5 times more than she would have gotten. That was with Jessica just to just have equal pay. Yes, Equal Pay. On one hand, I see what the women on Twitter meant, because in our experience, it has been proven that black women shattering the glass ceiling is even harder than it is for a white woman, let alone any man of any color.  It’s been our experience that the world...
Read more