the house of miss birdie

So, I've know that I've been M.I.A. (Missing In Action) lately. Most of 2012 to be exact. When the year started and the ball dropped, I knew everything was different, I felt fresher, creative and optimistic about everything. From finishing books and illustrations to expanding my book writing business to include adult and YA fiction. Editing opportunities multiplied Then, at the very beginning of the year, the sledgehammer dropped. My son got very sick and nothing else mattered but him. Although there was nothing I could have done, I was guilty of being so busy and self-involved that I had been neglecting my son's needs. But I now I know that was not true and there was nothing I could have done differently to prevent any of it.  But EVERYTHING (not Bam-related) was getting dropped. I picked up the tiniest of editing jobs, just to keep some income, but nothing overly time consuming. Money was starting to be a huge problem for the first time in years. Then the custody bat...

I heard a term used yesterday that had me thinking a lot. Fire Lighters and Fire Fighters.  I believe that everyone is born with a flame. Whether it's a burning desire to be something special or just stand out from everyone else. There's a fire in all of us and there are circumstances that dictate whether or not we keep it lit. It starts with the natural fight within that we are constantly conflicted and questioning our every action. Then there's the people around you that constantly test your fire power.  A fire lighter is a person that see you for who you are and who you can be. Ignite and nurture the flame in you.  Fire fighters put out that fire in you. They tell you what’s wrong with everything you're planning, resist change, discourage and minimize your power) Ever since I heard this terminology, I've been thinking about what I want for my life and my son's life. Now I have to think about the people in our lives that don't want the same things fo...

I forgot that I was the one in control of my own destiny. What was I doing? One thing I’ve realized is that happiness is simple. Happiness is not contingent on anything but yourself. Every time I think about how hard things get for me, I’m the one that’s ultimately in charge of my own future. We people make it hard and complicate things. We let our minds and lives become consumed with things that just take our focus away from what we are really supposed to be doing. If you know me personally, you’d know that I’ve had plenty going on in my life within these past couple of months. Monumental things. Well, at least I made them monumental. First, my apartment flooded and although I didn’t lose much, it was enough to consume my time and energy. I had work deadlines that I pushed aside because although I was a hostage in my own home (my front door was busted open and held closed by a flimsy lock for 6 weeks.) I couldn’t concentrate. Instead, I complained about what was g...

(From a post in July 2011) I cried this morning. As I watch the news story that has saturated the headlines, I cried for a mother and the horrific way her baby died. I cried scared tears. Leiby Kletzky was just an 8 year old boy that just wanted to be a big boy and do big boy things like walk home all by himself. Just like my kid. All his mother did was let him do what she thought her son could handle. They did what they could to prepare. They did dry runs, even down to the day before. She trusted that the same neighborhood that Leiby had been raised in, the same neighborhood whose people and businesses they passed everyday would be watching out for him. The thing is, Leiby had seen his abductor and eventual killer before. Even if they had never had an actual conversation before, that horrible man that killed him was a familiar face to Leiby. This made me paranoid. Who is a stranger? When we tell our kids of the dangers of talking to strangers, what is the descript...

Lately, I've been out of it. Little or no social networking, which is bad considering the fact that I need to do it to stay "in the loop". I even stopping talking to people because I didn't want my conversations to be negative. Why infect other people with what was plaguing me? I was now hiding from the world. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO ME? The craziest part of it all is, the issues weren't mine. I had let others' problems and issues consume my time and energy so much that I began to suffocate. When I went to see the doctor on a routine visit, she told me that I have high blood pressure. WHAT?!?! I've never had any problems like this and the stress from other people's stress was now making me sick. There was so much negativity around me, it had left me stagnant and constantly dragging my feet. I was paralyzed. I was constantly helping someone else. Being there for other people and not getting anything I needed to get done, done. Then, when it was ti...

I've never claimed to have all of the answers, just some of them. In my thirty-something plus years, I have accumulated enough scars and baggage to last the next ice age. But I'm moving on from all of it, letting it all go and beginning a new, more positive way of living and thinking. I always have advice for friends, "Just keep thinking positive." "Let it go." Some phrases I'm notorious for.  But something that happened this weekend that brought up some painful things that I thought I was over and by my reaction, I clearly wasn't.  I even demanded an apology from this person. In response, he said, "Why don't just let it go?" Hmm. I could have punched him in the face for that very statement. Too proud at the moment to admit it, I was ashamed. No doubt about it, he was wrong in the past and the transgressions he committed against me and my family had piled up and the consequences still affect my son and I till this very moment. But wh...

Last night, I had a dream. I was going down an escalator and when I got to the bottom, there was my dad, now deceased, looking vibrant and healthy. In true Buzz fashion, he asks me for a dollar. I smile and give it to him. He kisses me on the cheek, tells me he loves me and that he's proud of me. Then he says, "You don't belong here, go back up." I go up the escalator and that was it. The end. I've never read into dreams before but I was curious. So I Googled "Escalators up/down in dreams", "Deceased parents in dreams", "Handing over money in dreams".  To make a long story short, here's what I came up with: Down escalator - wallowing in emotions, Parent- seeking validation, money equals love and the up escalator - moving forward towards your goal. The answers made me think about my journey thus far. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. I've been under pressure to finish books. Promote the books. Stay creati...