HYPOCRITE!!!!

I am a mother of a six year-old boy and 10 year-old niece. Anyone raising kids as a single parent knows, you do what you can. Make cuts here, splurge there (splurges are almost always for the kids) but you do it. You do it all. There’s no choice. As they grow, you pass on the hallmark values. You tell your kids that nothing is impossible and that they could do anything that they put their little hearts and minds to.

When it’s your turn to do your part in actually setting the example and you don’t even believe the hype. I personally have written over 10 books and I am absolutely proud of all that I’ve done. But what have I done? There’s nothing other than the books that sit on the shelf collecting dust, that could show for what I’ve done. Money? We are still making cuts and calculating splurges. What is the message that I’m sending these kids?

“Mommy doesn’t know her value.” “Mommy is a little lost.” “Mommy doesn’t believe in herself.” All I keep thinking is, “DAMN, Mommy is a hypocrite!!”
Hypocrites tell people things they don’t believe themselves. All I keep thinking is: “Why don’t I believe in myself? Why don’t I believe I’m worth the risk? Why don’t I believe that I can make it? What message am I really sending these kids?”

I don’t want the kids to see me struggle to make my dream come true, but that’s what they see. Now I think, “Is it my fault that we’re struggling?” Sure, there’s been times when they’ve seen me make a nice chunk when I’ve done an extensive editing or ghostwriting project. That’s when we go to Disney World and they get great toys. Then there’s the “drought” times that Mommy has to say no. No trips and no new toys. Now is the time for me not to just rest on my editing for money, but to take the leap in believing in my books.

I’m not saying that I would immediately strike it rich when the world loves my books. I’m just asking myself, “Am I living up to my full potential? Am I doing my best?” I just came to the realization that I’m not. There is no reason that the good times can’t continue. No reason that the kids have to worry about money. That’s not their job. That’s my job. I want what’s best for them so now that it is the time for them to see me shine and pave a way for them. Not being afraid. Not being a hypocrite.