Last night, I had a dream. I was going down an escalator and when I got to the bottom, there was my dad, now deceased, looking vibrant and healthy. In true Buzz fashion, he asks me for a dollar. I smile and give it to him. He kisses me on the cheek, tells me he loves me and that he's proud of me. Then he says, "You don't belong here, go back up." I go up the escalator and that was it. The end.
I've never read into dreams before but I was curious. So I Googled "Escalators up/down in dreams", "Deceased parents in dreams", "Handing over money in dreams".
To make a long story short, here's what I came up with: Down escalator - wallowing in emotions, Parent- seeking validation, money equals love and the up escalator - moving forward towards your goal.
The answers made me think about my journey thus far. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. I've been under pressure to finish books. Promote the books. Stay creative. All while trying to be a good mom, which I never feel is good enough. Doing all of this on 2 or 3 hours of sleep at a time, brings me to my breaking point. Delirium.
But I can't afford to break.
Since my father passed in 2004, I've been thinking about how he always told me that I was doing a great job and he was proud of me. It always made me feel like I was on the right track. Fast forward to just days ago, sleep deprived, mixed with insecurities and riddled with self-doubt, I felt like I was just spinning my wheels and going nowhere. Wallowing.
Then I come into the city and set up my office (yes, in Whole Foods, lol) and dive into work. In one of my many brushes with greatness I have while in “the office”, other artists and business people that set up shop around me and the small talk conversations ensue. When I tell the other person what I do, they want to see what I’ve done. I show them and they love what they see. Talent.
Then they ask, “So what are you doing about it?” Now I’m stuck on stupid with no answers. What am I doing? How do I promote the books that I've already finished? I'm still figuring that out. Duh.
From them, I get suggestions, ideas and book recommendations, all to either help motivate and inspire me. One of them even said to me, “You are knocking on the roof of success and you’re about to break through. You got it, Girl!” Wow. People, perfect strangers see the greatness in me and tell me that I can do it. Why couldn’t I see that for myself? Light bulb.
So when I finally got some sleep and I had that dream, I woke up strangely refreshed. My dad had told me what I needed to hear and sent me on my way. Now invigorated with fresh ideas and a lot of motivation to make this work, I devised some kind of plan. Still kinda wingin’ it, but I know that I am on my way up and it’s important for me to feel that way. Certainty.
All think about is the SNL character Stuart Smalley (played by Al Franken) saying into a mirror, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me.”
I am, I am and gosh darn it, they do.