I've never claimed to have all of the answers, just some of them. In my thirty-something plus years, I have accumulated enough scars and baggage to last the next ice age. But I'm moving on from all of it, letting it all go and beginning a new, more positive way of living and thinking. I always have advice for friends, "Just keep thinking positive." "Let it go." Some phrases I'm notorious for. But something that happened this weekend that brought up some painful things that I thought I was over and by my reaction, I clearly wasn't.
I even demanded an apology from this person. In response, he said, "Why don't just let it go?" Hmm. I could have punched him in the face for that very statement. Too proud at the moment to admit it, I was ashamed. No doubt about it, he was wrong in the past and the transgressions he committed against me and my family had piled up and the consequences still affect my son and I till this very moment. But where was my fault in the entire situation? However minute in comparison, I did have something to own in it all.
I was bitter. I acted bitter. I told people details of why I was bitter. This person was constantly reminded that I was bitter. Every time I saw him, I showed my bitterness. But my bitterness also affected the person I loved the most, my son.
So I apologized to him. It sounds crazy to say. But when I apologized, I put an end to the leak that was affecting my supply of positivity. I let it go. In my daily life, I'm already constantly reminded of what this person did. But if I would like to lead by example, I had to let it go. Heal and move forward, for real this time.
So to that person: I will forgive your transgression but not the fact that it is defining your character. In other words: If you're jacked up, unless you learn from your mistakes and correct said character flaws, you WILL repeat them. In Layman's terms: If you are a liar, unless you own it and change, you will always be a liar. Same with cheaters and thieves. And I will learn from our history and just stay away from you.
Still sounds bitter, huh. Time does not heal all wounds and forgiveness is a big, nasty pill to swallow. But when it goes down, all of the bitterness comes right out. Hopefully never to return. I'm still learning from everything that has happened, but it will not define my reality or future. I'm still on my journey, so please forgive me. I'm learning to practice what I preach.
A portion of this blog is an excerpt from my upcoming book, "Saggy Boobs, Stretch Marks and Saddle Bags."